Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
