Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
