I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
