Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
