I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
