am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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