her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
