I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
