I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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