he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
