Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
