No stitches, just platelets and will power
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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