i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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