i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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