Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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