dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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