I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
