so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
