he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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