you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
