I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
