guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
