I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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