I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
