just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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