Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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