Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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