I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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