does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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