This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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