dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
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Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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