yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
