ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
