I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
