remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
