apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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