Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
