Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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