my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
