he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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