Are we in a gay sports bar?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
