I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i think i have herpe
just one?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
