he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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