i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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