dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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