I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
