If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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