So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
