DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
