mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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