my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
