I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
