wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
