Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
