I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
