one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
