Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
