why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
