Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
