Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
