Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
