New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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