i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
