Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I could fuck to npr.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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